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BloodRayne


Who's in It: Kristanna Loken, Michelle Rodriguez, Michael Madsen, Matthew Davis, Ben Kingsley

The Basics: Kingsley is the Evil Lord of All Evil. OK, well, that should be his title in a movie about a Mysterious Eyeball of Total World-Controlling Dominion that vampire girl Rayne (Loken) has somehow managed to absorb directly into her head. You know this has happened because it changed the color of one of her eyes. Anyway, the person possessing the Mysterious Eyeball can rule everyone if they feel like it. Then it's battle time! With fake-y aluminum-foil swords and everything.

What's the Deal? Welcome to the first movie of 2006 to qualify as awful/awesome, the kind you kind of need to see to truly believe and appreciate. It comes from the incredibly consistent director Uwe Boll ("consistent" = everything he makes is crap). You can sort of imagine him never watching other movies, only creating his own and thinking they're all masterpieces. That's the kind of director to be if you're going to make a movie that borrows equally from Xena: Warrior Princess, Krull and lesbian vampire exploitation films.

You Know What Else Is Rad? Mullets on Everyone, That's What: Madsen has such an amazing wig on that he looks like a graying member of Poison. Davis (billed here as "Matt Davis," as though it might fool some people into thinking it's not really him) has a smaller mullet, but that's what happens when you're not as huge a star as Madsen. Meanwhile, the metal vibe is not lost on the ladies, either, who all appear to have stepped out of a Vixen video.

Subtext Is for Girls: It was penned by hip lesbian actor-screenwriter Guinevere Turner, who starred in and co-wrote Go Fish and American Psycho. This might explain why, even though Loken and Davis totally get it on in a soft-core Cinemax manner, the rest of the movie is full of smoldering glances between her and Rodriguez.

Mr. Aday's Finest Hour: Were you wondering what it would look like if Meat Loaf were at the center of a blood orgy with multiple naked chicks? While wearing a big wig? Yes, you were …

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